What Does Depression Mean To Me


What does depression mean to me, it means blackness, it means that no matter what happens there is a dark side, what it isn't for me is just being sad, I am not simply sad. What I am is lost, fearful, numb and completely out of control. Lost in a black sea of darkness and despair, OK, so maybe that was a little melodramatic. I am also not wallowing in s black sea, but I and wallowing. I am wallowing in my own head, over thinking over analyzing every little thing that happens to me, it is the complete helplessness I fell when I try to do everyday things.



 I fell useless, untalented and awful 99% of the time. I haven’t talked to a lot of people about how I feel on a day to day basis, in fact I have told no one how bad it is for me the last couple of months, my husband doesn't even know how deep this really goes, sure I have been to the doctors but even last time the pills they gave my didn't really work, I still felt/fell useless.



I know this is a huge risk for me posting this, I know what people are going to think and say. “Huh, what does she have to be depressed about? She has it easy blah blah.” And in a lot of whys they are right, I do have a good life, I have a supportive husband that loves me, all four of my kids are healthy and happy. 



 I don’t understand or know why I feel this way, why when I get up to do the house work I wonder around in a daze unable to do anything. Why I can blink and an hour has past, without me even really knowing it happened. Do you think I like feeling like this? Do you think I like seeing the bad in everything that my whole word has going in that same direction? No I don’t, and I am tired, tired of yelling and screaming, tired of being a bad person and being a bad friend.



Sure deep down I know there are very real things I can and should be doing to help myself here, but I honestly feel like the fat bastard in this




It is a vicious cycle as it is and I am letting it define me as a person and this is simply not how I want to be. I have been trying to think back lately, what was I like before? Was I always like this and just didn't know it? Is this normal for me, and I am only just realizing it and I have always been bad, awful person? And it is not as easy as just getting up and getting shit done as some people might think. I mean just getting up is an achievement some days let alone doing the dishes.

SO the next question is why on earth am I telling you this? What have I got to gain by this? Maybe nothing, maybe just a bunch of hate mail and judgment and maybe just maybe some understanding, maybe by telling my story I can help someone else and well I guess, this is my small way of maybe forcing myself into getting some help, to truly push myself into talking some positive action in my life, by admitting so publicly that I have very real problems I will have to face them head on.

I think the first step will be the doctors again for a real and honest conversation, some research in what I can do to help myself 

Helpful web site http://www.depression.org.nz/home

Comments

  1. Hugs, that is all I can really offer. I am in a pit of my own and no one knows. Take care

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    Replies
    1. ((hugs)) to you to hun!! I hope that you can find you way out of your darkness someday too!!

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  2. Oh hun I understand. I live this same darkness.
    (currently also in a real dark phase).
    I don't have magic words. But I can say.. I get it, I understand.
    xoxo

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    Replies
    1. ((hugs)) Just got to take it day by day, I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel too!

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